We teamed up with Pepsi Mango to help you
celebrate unexpected matches — and embrace surprising pairings in every aspect
of your life with a little chispa-meaning spark in Spanish.
If you keep tripping over the same stone
(ahem, person), as the Spanish saying goes, maybe it's time to pay a little
more attention to what hasn't worked for you in the past. Think about your past
relationships. Do you see a pattern with the type of person to whom you have
been attracted? If this is the case then it is probably time to reassess if
your "type" is working for you or not.
We asked Sujeiry Gonzalez, dating expert and
founder of Latina x Love Magazine, also known as Love Sujeiry, about how to get
out of that rut and be more open to surprising matches when you're out in the
dating world. How do you get out of your comfort zone when you are dating
online? How you can figure out what you want in a relationship, and the number
one question you should ask yourself to know if there can be compatibility with
someone you just met.
What is Your "Type?"
First, how do you determine if you have a
type? Get a notepad and go down memory lane, Sujeiry recommended. "Think
back to your last three relationships," she said. "What do these exes
have in common physically and personality-wise? Do they have similar
characteristics?"
She also said it is important to look at the
dynamics within these past three relationships. "What dynamics played out
when it came to gender roles, money, faithfulness, and communication? Did they
all treat you the same? Why did the relationships end? Jot down any blaring
commonalities. If you find a common thread (or multiple threads), then you have
a type."
How to Let Go of Old Patterns
Once you have identified your type, consider
why you were attracted to them in the first place, as well as how they ended up
not meeting your needs. Some people seem to date people who work in a
particular field or look a certain way or are into a specific kind of music,
but you need to identify your type at a deeper level.
"Let's say you have a type that is a
bartender," Sujeiry said. "You fall for them over and over again. Yet
you struggle with their career because your love language is quality time, and
they are always working when you are at home. Or you love musicians, but they
get a lot of attention from groupies, and it enrages you because you struggle
with insecurities."
This is when you need to start looking outside
your comfort zone. This does not mean trying to force yourself to date someone
who is the complete opposite of your type. Rather, you want to look for someone
who is going to meet your needs. "In the end, what matters is that you are
loved and respected and that you are in a healthy, reciprocal
relationship," said Sujeiry.
OK, so you do not want to do a complete 180,
but where do you draw the line then when swiping right or left. Take that list
of commonalities and be mindful of these character traits when dating again. It
is easy to get lost in old patterns of people we are traditionally attracted
to, even if that type of person has only caused drama, loss, disappointment,
and heartbreak.
"If you're online dating, talking to a
potential mate, or even on a date, pay close attention to what they say and
what they do," Sujeiry said. "Speak less, listen more. Remember how
those relationships ended and why you were unfulfilled. Eventually, you will be
able to pinpoint your type from a mile away; your type will turn you off, and
you will turn them down. That's when you will be open to exploring other
options."
Dating Outside the Box
For many people, dating people with a similar
cultural background is a habit — and potentially a must-have. Ask yourself,
have I ever considered being open to other cultures? That can be an excellent
place to start.
Being with someone from a different culture
helps you broaden your horizon and get out of your bubble in more ways than you
might expect. "If embraced, you can grow as a person and as a couple, as long
as there is respect and understanding for each other's cultures and open
communication about cultural traditions, customs, and expectations,"
Sujeiry said.
However, some challenges are particular to
multicultural relationships. "Not every culture embraces interracial or
intercultural relationships, which can make it difficult to connect to
relatives and cultural traditions," Sujeiry said. "This is where you
need honesty and compromises. You do not have to have the same relationship
that your parents did, and you do not have to raise your children one way or
the other. As a couple from different cultures, it is your responsibility to
choose what you take and leave from each other's respective cultures. That way,
you can build a relationship identity based on both of your cultures."
One Question to Rate Them All
Ultimately, when there is true compatibility
with someone, it does not matter if that person fits that "type" you
are used to, ticks all the boxes on that list you made when you were getting over
your last breakup, or shares a cultural background with you. Sujeiry said at
the end of the day, what matters when thinking about if a new relationship has
potential is asking yourself if you can see them as an actual friend. "Not
just an acquaintance, but a best friend," she said. She goes on to say,
"someone that enjoys similar activities as you, someone that you can be
open with and fully yourself without judgment, someone that shares similar
values about money, love, religion, and family, someone that desires the same
lifestyle that you do. Friendship is the foundation of relationships, and as
they say, 'birds of a feather flock together.'"
